Within A Protest

This is the first of a three part series facing what has consumed me for much of the last six years: my father's suicide. This first part is me digging deep and picking a fight.

I stand here now within a protest. A protest against how my inner self is being consumed by never-to-be-answered questions. This king of pain role I've been in has gone on far too long, and it is time I right this ship, my ship away from the path of fatalism.

The latter part of March, the same time as my father's final deterioration, brings about a mental obstacle I've had a hard time getting over. I've often collapsed, gone numb, lost all control in trying to figure out this code. My plan has always been to wave the white flag, take all the pain and helplessness square in the chest, and walk into April bloodied from being blown away from the loss.

But now I'm digging in and picking a fight against what I've become. Anger, the only emotion I haven't felt about my father's death, will finally find me. Bouncing back from any blow will be quick and confidence will be my new spring jacket. Pain is not going to take me down any farther into the abyss. I'm climbing out of this mess and finding simplier times.

Will winning this fight mean letting go of him? No. Not completely. There will always be a few thin strings tugging at me.

Can people change? Can this change come over me? There is no place for doubt here, because I know if I can't fight for myself, well, then no one will. But, I know I will never be able to go back to the way I was when he was alive. Call it a scar. Or call it playing Boggle with my soul. I may look similar but my way of thinking will have different meanings.

Armed with a new determination and a stronger heart, I now go into the monster's den for the next couple weeks. The only acceptable outcome can be a new found peace. It is there. I know it is. I just have to fight my way through what has been pulling me down for so long.

Don't be afraid. Dealing with suicide can scare you out of your mold. It can get you lost and confuse you, but don't be afraid. I've made it this far and plan on seeing this through to a new light, a new outlook.

The second part will continue next week with a description of the monster I am actually facing. Until then, take care of yourself.